I've been reading alot about race and ethinicity; and most often articles explain racisim and being ethinically challenged and how racism is bad word because it always has a negative 'feeling' behind it. We now use the word 'ethnicity' instead of 'race' because the word 'race' reflects social struggle. Social struggle basically is where one 'race' is condemned to congenital inferiority where another one is destined to be congenitally superior.

I was forced to ask myself a very important question. 'Am I racist or am I patriotic?' I see very few differences between the likes of the extremists and a normal living breathing patriot. On careful examination, you see the fine line. A Patriot does not hate or discriminate against another 'race', a racist on the other hand.... you get my drift.

I am biased. Especially to those of my own religion, community, country and city. That doesnt mean I hate or dislike or think any lesser of people outside these circles. Somehow, I've realized, that amongst people who grew up the way I did - my inhibitions take a back seat, I am more relaxed and more open. Not observant but rather carefree in my reactions and responses. With friends of different cultures, however, I'm more observant and remember exactly what the nuns taught about table manners in boarding school. So much so that my elbows never meet the table, the serviette is placed on my lap only as the food arrives and my drink isn't sipped unless everyone at the table has been served. I observe what I do and how the people I'm with react to it and I quickly amend my responses to what the group would 'accept'. It's not as though I prefer one group over the other. While the number of unreturned missed calls from one group is purely alarming, I'm not racist. Atleast I dont think I am. (Am I?!)

Acceptance is funny. I've found that when you usually seek someone's acceptance it's because you, yourself are not accepting of them. So, I asked myself, 'Do I accept these people for who they are??'. The answer was 'OF COURSE'. But why then, was I adopting manners that I was told are the right things to do ... the same manners I forgo with people who have upbringings similar to mine. Maybe I wana cut loose, 'hang out' and be myself only with a few people or maybe I'm a lil schizophrenic. The schizo answer is probably more accurate, in my case.

The only thing I realized from this exercise is that I'm a farce. My reality isnt, my past and present arent. I often confuse myself, I'm pretty sure I confuse most people around me. So much lisa in such a tiny brain!! But the people who do 'try' to understand me love me; and I love them for trying and much more for almost coming close!

xoxo - That's for the newest addition to my life. I know you aren't reading (no1 actually does) but Lisa loves you. :)

Coming into 2011, I assumed and prayed that the next year would bring more hope and contentment into my life. Little did I realize that 2010 was the practice run for 2011. Within the first 19days of this year, I've had 2 very important men in my life breaking my heart. First, my boss who thought the world of me and said repeatedly that I was worth my weight in gold told me that 'It isnt working out' and 'I think you should look for another position that will make you happier' and then the current adolescent I'm in love with and recently reconnected with, doesnt want to talk to me for some apparent reason. I failed to mention that I was hospitalized too, with a saline drip running all kinds of pain killers and anti-biotics through my blood for 3.5hours!

The pangs of birth month, through experience, I know are insanely difficult. But I did not anticipate this level of absolute sheer mind boggling haze. Yes yes, my birthday falls in January. We're actually a little over a week to it now, and I'm stuck wondering what else can fall apart before that! I'd reckon pretty much nothing else. Considering the friends I've kept over the past 4-5 years have had the same problem with me. That I've been a b&%^h to most of them!

So, my cup over-floweth! Seriously now! Job is beyond shakey, Love life... well... honestly, No comment! Studies... sigh! Next question please! There is so much to overwhelm me and destroy me, but here I am. Seated calmly in the place I was meant to be. Knowing that I'm okay, Knowing that even if tomorrow is darker than today I still have a home and a loving family who will always stand by me. Knowing that I'm content. My father promised to keep clothes on my back, a roof over my head and food in my stomach. I've been provided for. The rest of the things I may need/want will never be more important than these.

When my cup runneth over, Father God, I pray that you will teach me and remind me that I find my content in only You. Noone and nothing else. And everyday as I grow older, maybe not wiser, and every cell in my body ages; I pray that you, ever so gently, remind me that I'm a day closer to finally coming back home.

Amen!

Ever wondered why you find yourself faced with the same situation you were in a few months ago? or how about why you keep wondering 'same shit different day' ?? I have. Whats the point of losing a battle when you don't learn a lesson? However hard the lesson may be, it's there for a reason. You may never be able to see it, or even realize that there is one. Regardless of how hopeless a situation you find yourself in, I assure you - God will never take you to a place where His grace cannot reach you. He will never leave you in a ditch or put you through a phase in your life that he thinks is unnecessary.

Why battle studies? because I've seen the same battles and I keep wondering why they wont end. Why is my life so hard and others have it way easier. Why would someone who loves me want me to go through this and get so frustrated with it! Why!

That's exactly what happens when you dont give him room to set-up shop in your life. He has to force his way in. Why? Wouldnt you do the same if the person you loved most in the world tried to push themselves as far away from you as possible? When the Bible says that we were 'created' in his image and likeness, it's true. He wont do it, because 'He Can', He'll do it because you belong to Him, and He to you.

The next time you lose hope or feel like the world is against you, Remember one thing - and one thing only. The Maker of the Universe is right behind you. He's got your back, whether you like it or not.

I'm going to take refuge in this truth as my year ends <finally!!> My daddy's got my back. I've got his army behind. Aint no battle I fear now!

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4

God Bless and Mary Cloak!

So, I've read my previous blogs... and Oh My Gosh! I'm surprised! I should have never stopped blogging! I'm starting to think I'm actually a little good at this, too bad no reads though :p

Quick Catchup - Nothing much has happened - No. Wait. Alot has. I'm no longer in touch with my 'best friend' <and yes,="" i'm="" leaving="" names="" out=""> and alot of my 'so-called-friends'. FIFA month gave me alot of time to step back and look at my life in ways I wouldnt have otherwise. My 0 tolerance for Bulls**t Policy is now strongly in place, hence my 'lack' of mind numbing conversations with people who constantly refill my BS levels. I still hrt ARGENTINA, even after Germany basically annahilated us. Holland played very dirty at the finals but still eliminated Brazil, so much respect! and lastly, VIVA Y ESPANA! They played like champions throughout, and poor Alonso - De Jong should be given a penalty of playing with Sunderland for the rest of the season! :p

Moving on - Ah yes, my BS policy. After constantly getting slapped around by someone who you love and care about, it would take a miracle for me to step away from my 'bestie'. She comfortably made it to 2 strikes and I wasnt gonna wait for the 3rd one to walk out. So I walked. And she paniced. After a very lengthy conversation about footie and the general small talk, which I am horrible at, - we hit the root. I told her exactly what it felt like, which was met with a classic excuse 'I dint know you would feel that way'. I know she meant it, but after 5 yrs of friendship I thought I would deserve a better explanation. Apparently, I dint.---STRIKE 3--- Anywho, I'm still here for her, not to pick up the pieces though. I got pieces of my own to pick up!

On the brighter side, Papa's got alot in store for me. My first Car. My first Nephew. My first backpackin trip through India. 3 close friends tie the knot pretty soon, and 2 are marrying each other :) My papers finally came through and I am now officially an employee of SCB! The passport's on the way to getting stamped for life! :)

These past few months have been decider friendly and for the past 3months, life's been less complicated! Just hope I'm a wee bit closer to finding Caleb.

Stay Blessed!

Peace!

I've been thinking, quite alot actually. Maybe its because my past keeps creeping up on me, or the fact that history keep repeating itself, or maybe even my stupid nonsensical heart break. I dont know what it is, but it's making me think. Why do bad things happen to good people, and why do good things happen to people who dont deserve it?!? Why must people who have the Heart of God within them, endure so much; and the people who are oblivious and have rejected Him, go through life like a cake walk. Why? Whats the purpose behind it?

It's simple, we let it. How do u let bad stuff happen to you? Because first of all, you think you're good. You are clearly not. Unworthy as we are, we think of ourselves as people who's faith can move mountains and that grace has been earned by our acts of good faith. It hasnt. You cant earn grace. You were born with the right to grace :) Its good that you've accepted it, but dont get ahead of yourself. We are still human in every way, and saved ; only because HE chooses!

Secondly, at some point we all forgot that the creator, our creator loves us. He created us for a reason, to love Him. As sinful and pathetic as we come, he loves us. He cant choose not to! Would a mother ever despise her own child? It may be possible, we're human after all. What about a painter. Would he ever hate his own painting? The answer is yes, he could. And yes, I know what you're thinking. But Alisa, we are created in God's own image and likeness. But you are forgetting one integral thing, we were born with original sin. Fr. Tom Forrest very aptly described 'original sin' - it's 2 crucial elements that we are born with - He said, 'All humans are born SELFISH and MISTRUSTING' and these arent the creator's traits. They are completely human! So yes, God can never hate you or despise you! NEVER ! Even if he had to make that choice, HE'D CHOOSE YOU. He already has. You're reading this, arent you? That means He's given you eyes to read it, and a functioning brain to process this <not> Still playing Doubting Thomas?

John 20:27-29
27 Then saith He to Thomas, Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and thrust it into my side: and be not faithless, but believing.

²⁸ And Thomas answered and said unto him, My LORD and my God.

²⁹ Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast seen Me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.

Thirdly, Jesus himself said, Blessed are those who believe without seeing. I know I havent seen. Yet, he blesses me. Do you think Jesus was a liar? Was he lying about me being blessed?? HE WASNT ! Why would the Son of Man lie? What did he have to gain by lying?! Nothing. It's the truth because He said it! Try this, for the next week - Believe you are blessed. Walk like you are blessed! Talk like you are blessed. Be you, being blessed. I can guarantee, you will change the lives and hearts of atleast 50 people around you and yourself ! :)

Last but not least, I leave you now with the chorus from one of my fave songs - Desiree - I aint moving! I would sing it to you, but I cant ;)

Love is my passion
Love is my friend

Love is universal
Love never ends

Then why am I faced with so much anger, so much pain?
Why should I hide? Why should I be ashamed?
Time is much too short to be living somebody else s life
I walk with dignity, I step with pride

'Cos I ain't movin' from my face,
from my race, from my history
I ain't movin' from my love,
my peaceful dove, it means too much to me
Loving self can be so hard
Honesty can be demanding
Learn to love yourself,
it's a great, great feeling

When your down baby, I will set you free
I will be your remedy, I will be your tree
A wise man is clever, seldom ever speaks a word
A foolish man keeps talking, never is he heard

So, I've been thinking... alot actually, you can do alot to change the course of your life, but honestly how much can you do?? Sooner or later you succumb and give in to 'the bigger picture'.... Now, here's the tricky part, who's 'bigger picture' do you give into? God's or Satan's? Yes, you read right. Even as I type, there's an on-going battle, a battle for your life, for your soul. Hard to believe? Have you ever felt like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place? Ever had to choose between 2 equally good things? There's a battle and you're the reason for it!

Now, the good part, God's fighting for you, right beside you. Irrespective of how lonely or abandoned you feel - He's right there, especially when you think He isnt. The reason he's fighting for you, coz u dont understand. You dont want to. You'd rather walk blindly into Satan's plan than trust him. Trust is a funny thing, we expect people to be worthy of our trust, to earn our trust. Let me ask you one thing, one human to another - How on earth do we expect the maker of the universe, to earn our trust? It's my theory that original sin, yes the horrid reality of our humanness, manifests itself in our trust issues and our selfishness. We are born into this world, mistrusting and selfish, 2 very human traits that destroy and eat away at our already rotten souls. What did God do for us to understand this? He sent his only son to teach us, Jesus was human in every way, except for sin. He got angry, he was tempted.. All human traits. He came to teach and show us how it's done. How to live our lives for Him, and Him alone!

Now, for the opponent - Satan. Dont underestimate him. He used to be an angel after all! The Fallen one. Lucifer, translated means - The Light Bearer. He decieves us by being light! :o ! Guys, satan's absolutely shameless! HE TEMPTED THE SON OF GOD! He tempted the one who created him !!! How vulnerable are we then! You think you can walk around in the daylight without God, you're wrong! YOU CANT !! The only reason you can, so far, is coz God loves you and will do whatever he has to, to keep you alive. He's the reason you're alive. God created you to be just like Him, it's the way you were created. Wired in His image and likeness :) He's more a part of you than you can realize. Every morning, when you wake up - try this - Look in the mirror, and say 'Good Mornin' Pa' and trust me, your day will change! drastically!

Every day is a step closer to Him, closer to yourself and closer to the fullness of your life. The fulfillment of His plan. Not yours! It's not about you anymore, times have changed. It's about Him, all about HIM ! not you! Make HIM the center of your day, and if you can, the beginning and the end too. Watch how He works! He surprises me everyday. And I love it. Aint nothing better than a princess being taken care off by the King of Kings.

How great are you, O Lord. I hope and I pray that the whole world will see you for who you are, and how you love us. All of us. Just 'because'. Thank you, Papa :) We want to see more and more everyday. :) Mwah!

More Papa!

This is one of those nights where I am absolutely overwhelmed... Overwhelmed of how loved I am, even when I think I am not, especially when I think I am not. It's taken me more than <only> , to realize he has a plan. I've always believed, believed without seeing. But now I'm starting to see. John 20:29 says, Then Jesus told him, "You believe because you have seen me. Blessed are those who believe without seeing me."

I have not seen, I do not wish to see - How beautiful it is when it is revealed.... and i know it isn't fully revealed. I'm just happy, and a whole different version of content. My contentment sees itself in Christ and how happy and blessed am I to find my contentment in Him, and in Him alone. Not in the 'treasures' of this world, but in spirit and truth.

Today, i was told by my boss, who isnt the most humble of God's creation, that I was worth my weight in gold. And that apart from being a massive addition to the team, that he personally felt like I was a value added to him, personally. Now, it's nice to recieve compliments and appraisals from your boss. You know what makes it extra special?? Since I've started working at Standard Chartered, my prayer has only been this - Pa, dont make me successful, I cannot handle it. Dont give me more money, I do not derive any satisfaction from my paycheck. Dont even let me be popular at the office, I do not wish for fame or popularity. Help me do one thing, Let me be the piece-of-Jesus to my workplace. And today, I realized... They see Jesus in me :) One small act of love, has changed my boss' perspective about me. One tiny lil word of encouragement, that I'm not even sure what made me do, actually egged him on. Who would think that in this horrible market, I would actually find 'my' job! Mine! It had my name written all over it!

When everything single thing around me told me it wouldnt happen, every single person i met said it too.... I believed so blindly! BLINDLY ! I put my foot out across the boat, and he made me walk on water. He did the impossible for me, coz I believed. Lil' ol' self-doubting me, believed. Only because he gave me the grace to!

I'm an obedient child of God and people actually see it. I'm only saying this because, selfishly, no matter how hard I try, the 'Alisa' i used to be creeps out and destroys everything. I try hard to be Christ-like, and at most times, I fail and I fail miserably. But I try again and again. I wont stop trying, ever. I promised him that. I told him i would fail but I wouldnt give up on me, because He doesnt give up on me. And thats enough cause for me to keep trying. And I would live a thousand more lives just to do the same thing over and over again.

He loves me day in and day out. He loves me when i succeed, and he loves me even more when I fail. It's time I loved him back, and I promised Him that I'd try my hardest. And it's actually working :) People see Him and not me. Like I said in my last blog, I only want to reflect the love that Christ has for me, to people around me. The ones i'm closest to and the ones that arent so close. :)

So now, Selah - Be still and know that I am God. He is God. And I want to tell you that. He is, always was, and forever will be... God :) and I love him, with every fiber of my body, mind and soul. I'm in love with Him. and only falling deeper ....

Stay Blessed!

As i sir here to blog, only one thing is running through my mind... Love. Something has been revealed to me today, the purpose of love. Love is a feeling but actually loving someone is a decision. It all goes into the concept of free will. Thats one thing God will never take away from us, we were born with it for a reason and he respects our right to choose. It's more like our 'God-given' right. More than anyone else in the world, He chooses us. He could choose the most brightest, smartest, most beautiful people to do His work. He could recruit supermodels to be his spokespeople, he could choose Obama to bring in his 'change'. But he CHOOSES sinners like u and me to do His work. Why? LOVE ! He chooses to love us every single day and he will continue to do it even when we reject him, turn him away and run from him.

He's the same God who chose, Moses - a murderer ; Jonah- a man who kept running away from him. A more recent example - He chose Peter has the rock to build his church - Yes, the same Peter who denied him 3 times even after living with him! How much more blessed are we, then?!? He loves us, nothing can stop him. He loves us because He wants to, He chooses to, every single day. How do I know so? I'm breathing, arent i? There are thousands who will never see the coming Sonrise... but I will. Is that testament enough? I guess not... coz i keep running away. Keep running as far as my legs will take me. And even in this haste, it doesnt remind me that I'm running away from the person who made my legs! Thats like attempting to hack into Steve Jobs' personal iPad! Ha! Really?!?! Except for one difference, the above example is actually possible! There is no running away from our maker. Even when you think He's left you and gone... He hasnt. He's just silent waiting for you to be ready to hear Him out, to tell you how much He loves you, to tell you that He has a stress-free, debt-free, drama-free plan for you. Do we listen? No, of course not! Where's the fun in that, right?! So we continue running. And soon this running becomes a pursuit, an empty pursuit of things to satisfy our need for Him. We chase alcohol, drugs, meaningless sex. We indulge in sin, anger, mistrust, lust, sloth. For what ? To run away from Him.

This is what I've realized today. I'm tired of running. I'm sick of it. I'm sick and tired of pursuing things that mean nothing to Him. I'm sick n tired of being sick and tired. He gave me life, and I trust that HE has a plan for it. No no, not my plan... HIS plan. I'm a horrible planner.... I couldnt plan anything even if my life depended on it. But He has a plan, I know he does. And it's an awesome one. So I'm just gonna sit here and give in to Him. I give in to You, Lord. I give in. I'm not giving up, because there is nothing in my life to give up! I'm giving in. Come and chisel away at me. I know you will break me, only to rebuild my life. And I trust you. Even though there are many things in my life that say otherwise. I will trust. I choose to trust. Papa, I choose you! no1 else, just YOU. Plain ol' YOU ! In all your humility and kindness to love a sinner like me. I CHOOSE YOU, JESUS!

I'm done being strong and oh so mighty .... Truth is, I'm hurting. and hurting bad. This sucks. I suck. I'm done pretending i'm strong and i'm fine without you. You left me and took a big piece of my heart with you. Every single thing i look at, reminds me of you. Every single thing i do, reminds me of you. I miss u and i'm not proud enough to ignore it. Nothing helps, nothing. I kno you're out ther and you will never read this. But i cant tell you how much i hurt. you're better off not knowing i guess, it's lesser 'pressure' on you. and i'm sorry if i ever put any pressure on you. that wasnt my intention. it never was and it will never be. there's a vacuum in my heart and nothing seems to fill it up. I know why you left, but i dont understand it. and i still want you here. i always will and hurts that you dont want to be here or even talk to me, forget about seeing me. i hope you find happiness, even if that means you're happy without me. i want you to be happy. But if your as miserable as i am.... dont do this. it's unnecessary. it really is. The only reason i'm not telling you all this is because i dont want u to hurt as bad as i am.

when you lower me down, so deep i cant get down. when you're lost and alone, you'd think it was the last place then u come back for more. i'm gonna stay, when you just wana fight, when youre closing your eyes, coz u dont want to love me. u cant push me too far, theres no space in my heart where i dont wana love you. when there's no storm, how can i feel the calm? when theres nothing left to lose, then whats this feeling that keeps bringing me back to you? i'm gonna stay, when you just wana fight, when youre closing your eyes, when u just dont want to love me. u cant push me too far, theres no space in my heart where i dont wana love you. i'm goin nowhere. i'm staying! these tears in my eyes, i'll leave them to dry, if u dun wana love me.

i thought i was strong. i thought i'd get over it, but at this point ... it doesnt look like its gonna happen anytime soon. so i'm gonna sing along to the only song i know and i'll dedicate it to the lonely ones just like me.

Jesus, where are you?? i need you. i hurt. this situation hurts. i dont want to be alone, i know i'm not. i know you're here but i need u to comfort my heart. my heart that loves, is hurting right now, and it's hurting all alone. and i'm so glad no1 reads these posts. ppl would really think i'm a psycho. but it hurts, and i dont understand why. please protect me. at this point i never wana love again. i'm done. i dont want anymore of this, ever. HELP ! PLEASE ! I'M ON MY KNEES BEGGING! PLEASE! I need YOU !

I swear that you don't have to go
I thought we could wait for the fireworks
I thought we could wait for the snow
To wash over Georgia and kill the hurt
I thought I could live in your arms
And spend every moment I had with you
Stay up all night with the stars
Confess all the faith that I had in you
To late, I'm sure and lonely
Another night, another dream wasted on you
Just be here now against me
You know the words so sing along for me baby
For heaven's sake I know you're sorry
But you won't stop crying
This anniversary may never be the same
Inside I hope you know I'm dying
With my heart beside me
In shattered pieces that may never be replaced
And if I died right now you'd never be the same

I thought with a month of apart
Together would find us an opening
And moonlight would provide the spark
And that I would stumble across the key
Or break down the door to your heart
Forever could see us not you and me
And you'd help me out of the dark
And I'd give my heart as an offering

And I will always remember you as you are right now to me
And I will always remember now
Sleep alone tonight with no one here just by your side
How does he feel, how does he kiss
How does he taste while he's on your lips
I can't forget you
I know you want me to want you
I want to
But I can't forgive you
So when this is over don't blow your composure baby
I can't forgive you
I know you want me to want you I want to.......................................